My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
