I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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