so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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