i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.