No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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