Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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