mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.