I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
