That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
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Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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