I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
