you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
