I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
