Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
