mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
