Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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