I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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