He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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