Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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