I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
50% drunk capacity currently
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
