The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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