If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
