if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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