Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
