I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
