I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
