His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he fucked my hip out of place.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
