Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
