I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
