I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
