I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
