True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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