I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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