I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
