i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
