We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
