Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
