I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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