Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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