my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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