I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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