I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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