Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
