Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
