Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
