I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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