How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
