I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
