we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
50% drunk capacity currently
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
