Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
