sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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