You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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