i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
