Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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