he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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