And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
