There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
