her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
